I know I need to write this out. But honestly the thought of bringing it all back to the surface is making me sick to my stomach. The Feelings, the disappointment.. The thought I'm failing - All make me sick to my stomach and make me want to crawl in a very dark hole and not come out.
Ian has had some issue with respect and anger. It's something that has been the forefront of the house tension for some time , and it seems he's the only one that see's this. He's my child and I want to help him through this, but at times - His self centered-ness becomes more to handle. I want to speak to someone about this that is supportive, understanding and compassionate. Unfortunately, I don't have someone in this house that have any of those qualities, and honestly - When I tried to talk to Jason about this , he just eggs on my anxiety and stress by saying things such as " I wish He {Ian} would just walk out of the house and not come back" . I'm sorry.. But this is my CHILD.. My blood.. Someone I committed to supporting and help grow to be a good adult .. and He's yours too?! so why such a SHIT attitude ? OH yeah, I forget, he's {Ian} has gotten his self centered attitude from you , his Dad.... Yesterday Ian was pissed cause his Dad wouldn't take him to a park which is 20 minutes one way to go practice lacrosse.. so to drop him off and go get him would be a 40 minute drive each way.. So, the attitude came out - I interrupted to discussion between the two of them and I was told by my son " I wasn't talking to you was I ?" I told him he's acting like a spoiled child and he needs to get some respect and appreciation for what we do for him .. a weekend of driving an hour both ways to a tournament and sitting there for hours to support and watch him seems to go UN-noticed... I go upstairs to cool off.. Apparently he stews on this all day as does his Dad. Cause Ian was frustrated he lashes out at his sister calling her names , the tension is evident.. His Dad, buzzed and only hearing half of the conversation storms downstairs to confront Ian .. Never a good thing as it's gotten physical in the past and I've had to jump between them to separate the escalated situation. They exchange words, Jason tells Ian to just leave and never come back.. So Ian says " Fine Fuck you I'm leaving good bye! " and walks out of the house.. I am sitting there thinking what the hell just happened ?? Holy shit?! I go upstairs and get my shoes and Jason says " I can't believe you are going to look for him.. Let him leave " I wanted to punch him .. I Told him that what he just witnessed was a prime example of how his shitty personality has worn off on his son.. They are truly 2 peas in a pod with ego's and attitudes.. he blows me off and I go searching for the boy. Of coarse I know where he is and find him pretty quickly... He's livid, hurt and lashes out at me telling me I should have stood up for him and that I can Fuck off and his dad can fuck off too... I knew he was not in a place to talk - nor was I cause I was going to swing if I stayed. I left , went home and waited up til he came home , during this time of waiting I knew it was best to let him go to bed and not say a word- we all needed to calm down. My Heart was broken already , what would waiting til the AM to speak to him change ? Nothing .. So lets wait. Morning , the husband could only justify his actions and tell me he could not believe I'd even bother looking for the kid.. That he knew damn well Ian would come home cause he had no where else to go. My disgust for Jason is now at a all time high and if it wasn't Thanksgiving week, I'd have booted him immediately.. I an fuming and decide to take Ian's phone from him as well as write him a letter about my view, his punishment and what I expect from him. He read the letter came to my room and asked to talk - He said he was angry and that he's sorry he said those things to me but his Dad got him to that point.. I expressed that his Dad was no where in the right to say things like he did .. BUT.. he needs to take responsibility for his own actions, it's not his Dad's fault he said shitty things to me, it's his own fault and he needs to learn to control himself. I said the punishment stands and if he kept trying to get me to over turn it , I'm speak to his coaches and bench him next tournament. I assured him both coaches would never find it acceptable for him to tell him to tell his Mom to fuck off and call his sister Derogatory names. I was pretty damn sure they would side with me and have a few words to say to Ian about respecting his Mother. In the end he cried , telling me he was so sorry and he wanted to take everything back.. I hugged him and told him no matter what, I love him .. I express to his Dad that he needs to speak to Ian to try and repair the damage that was created by suck shitty words between the 2 of them. I got the typical " When the time is right" which means he won't address is ... Ian and Jason spent the day in the living room watching TV and never talking today . I asked Jason why " I'm not ready yet" Who is the adult here ?!?!?! I'm hurting -- I wanna scream... I expressed that he will put a unrepairable whole into his relationship with his son and he will end up just like his Dad .. Alone drinking in a condo while his children live their life and not include him .. All I get is " Oh, you are over reacting that will never happen" Oh really , well you just wait and see then............. I sit here - my heart still hurting as I want to just fix this all and I can't .. I can't .... Today was a pretty busy day at work. And had to take the dog to get his eye checked at the vet- Luckily it's healing but now we are into weekly Vet visits.. Almost up to $500.00 in vet costs since Saturday .. OUCH.. That's like taking it from behind with no lube, OUCH.....
As I asked last night I really want to find some new toys to purchase. Not even sure if you read my journal since you didn't mention it so I figured I'd look online and send some links of ones I was thinking of and get your feed back. I grabbed some items from Adam and Eve just to get examples, once we discuss what you would like to see I'll shop around for the best price. Nipple clamps : I like my vibrating ones when other parts are being stimulated, but really would like to get something with a bit more tension.. There were some more Ornate ones I thought were pretty , but felt the more functional ones would be best while we play online only , let me know what you think. Clamps with weights Clams with a chain Suction with rubber bands ( I love rubber bands) Anal Toy: I used to have anal beads which I loved, but honestly it's not easy to use alone, it's really something that you need to do with a present partner. So, I'm thinking more of a plug that is bigger than what I have. Flat bottom ( god I love these they are kinda cute ) Medium firefly Plug Inflatable Butt plug -- (I think this could be fun but worry it's hard when alone) Today was ok .. I had some ups and downs.. I really hate when I get to the point where I feel totally numb.. When I get like that , I wanna just go hide from everyone.. But, we both know that doesn't solve a damn thing... Thank you for being there and chatting with me today. I enjoyed it.
I would like you to help find new nipple clamps and anal plug that I can order within the next day or so.. I'd love to have them before the weekend. If we can shop together tomorrow, I've love that.. I'm choosing these 2 items to start because they are really the least expensive of the ones I want and I can swing it right now.. We can then decide what will be next- I'm thinking the fantasy toy should be next.. As the moon rose and midnight approached, the Snow Queen sat on her throne, patiently, as she had each night expecting her love to return to her. She didn’t dare move knowing in her heart he would return soon as he had promised. Sixty sunrises, sunsets and moons have passed since he left to scout out the new land for trading and his return was now twenty-five days overdue. She sat still on her throne, taking comfort in the sound of the snowflakes lightly landing on the snow covered earth in front of her. The forest was still except for the sounds of her companions shifting ever so often making the snow under their padded feet crunch and interrupt the silence. Her most Loyal wolf Selene letting out a howl at the full moon, which seemed to echo the growing ache that the Queen felt in her heart each day that had passed with no sign of her Love, Ezra. Every night, as she made her way up to the High cliffs to wait on the Ceremonial Throne. She knew one night Ezra would appear from the forest trees, pick her up in his arms as he smiled down into her ice blue eyes saying he’s back. She had to believe it, she refused to give up hope. As the moon started to sink past the peak of the tree’s the wolves stirred knowing it was close to the hunting hour. The Snow Queen signed softly as she went to stand and descend the steps to walk back down the cliff to rest and be prepared for another night of waiting for Ezra. Before she could take her first step off the platform, Selene’s fur stood up on the back of her neck as she let out a warning of an intruder, her younger brothers joined and stepped in front of the Queen to protect her from any harm. Selene and the brothers moved slowly in unison advancing on a very dark and vary large figure that was partially hidden behind the trees. The Queen squinted to see the figure and caught her breath seeing the size of this beast, although she had the utmost confidence in their ability to fight, she feared this being would be too much for them. Quickly her mind raced thinking of a way to escape as Selene and the boys held off the strange being. As she turned to move in the opposite direction she heard a barely audible voice whisper in a raspy tired tone “My Queen.” Although she didn’t recognize the voice something told her to stop and not run. She turned to face the beast, stepping closer to her companions to get a better look, looking up into it’s emerald green eyes, she gaspsed with shock “Ezra?!” He stepped out of the shadows, tired and utterly exhausted, the Werewolf fell in front of the wolves, Selene leaps closer growling a warning to not try to come any closer to her beloved Queen. Ezra’s hand slides slowly palm up to a place where Selene could smell and pick up his familiar scent. Selene whimpered in acknowledgement as she laid down pressing her head into Ezra’s hand. The Queen fell to her knees, tears running down her face as she spoke in a shaky voice “Ezra, is that really you? Who did this to you ?!” He turned his head looking up into her Ice blue eyes and knew he was finally home, he whispered “I missed looking into those eyes every night we were apart.” before falling into the darkness of exhaustion which he had fought off since the day of his turning into the beasts he now is.
Today has been a very emotional day for me the positive is that I don't have a empty pit in my stomach any longer, so I guess that's good .. There has been so much I've wanted to say to you , talk to you about- But I just don't have the right words. When we get on voice I seriously go dumb in the head and just wanna hear your voice.. If we want to have any type of relationship, we ( I guess Me) are going to have to be able to communicate, not only about the Good and the Desired things we want to try .. We seem to have no trouble there, but also the bad times so we can work them out. So... I figured I would put some of the things that have been bothering me here maybe this way we can discuss them.
- I feel in limbo with "us" our relationship really doesn't have a place to live and grow -- Kinda goes back to me wanting to feel important I guess.. You have someone in both worlds- And then me kinda floating out there available when ever you have time but no real "place for us to call our own" .. And with saying it's just a pose last night triggered all the angst and sadness that this holds within me- I don't like being the 3rd wheel........ The 2nd , I get that because we both are in similar RL situations I understand it completely. I want more with us , I just don't know where to start to get to where we can have more. I feel your pretty content with the SL relationship you have, and I guess I feel that's really logically the only place we could be together at this moment because we both have responsibilities in RL we have to take care of before we move forward, even though I'd like us to head in that direction sooner rather than later - we aren't getting any younger ya know? I guess I want to understand your thought process.. Where do you see this going? I really have no idea what you are thinking besides that you want something RL at some point. Is there any thought about the here and now ? Or is it just texting sweet nothings and playing around when we can catch a moment of alone time? I just want to understand - and at times I feel this journal gives you all the insight of what I'm thinking when I really don't know what you are thinking.. All I can say - is that my Love for you is real... And I want so much more with you.. I want to be the reason you smile every day , the first thing you see when you wake and the last thing you see when you go to sleep.... This much I know is true, and this is the main reason why I'm still here.... The thought of not having you in my life is quite suffocating... Hope my mental Dump makes sense Daddy- lovin on you .. |
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