I know I need to write this out. But honestly the thought of bringing it all back to the surface is making me sick to my stomach. The Feelings, the disappointment.. The thought I'm failing - All make me sick to my stomach and make me want to crawl in a very dark hole and not come out.
Ian has had some issue with respect and anger. It's something that has been the forefront of the house tension for some time , and it seems he's the only one that see's this. He's my child and I want to help him through this, but at times - His self centered-ness becomes more to handle. I want to speak to someone about this that is supportive, understanding and compassionate. Unfortunately, I don't have someone in this house that have any of those qualities, and honestly - When I tried to talk to Jason about this , he just eggs on my anxiety and stress by saying things such as " I wish He {Ian} would just walk out of the house and not come back" . I'm sorry.. But this is my CHILD.. My blood.. Someone I committed to supporting and help grow to be a good adult .. and He's yours too?! so why such a SHIT attitude ? OH yeah, I forget, he's {Ian} has gotten his self centered attitude from you , his Dad.... Yesterday Ian was pissed cause his Dad wouldn't take him to a park which is 20 minutes one way to go practice lacrosse.. so to drop him off and go get him would be a 40 minute drive each way.. So, the attitude came out - I interrupted to discussion between the two of them and I was told by my son " I wasn't talking to you was I ?" I told him he's acting like a spoiled child and he needs to get some respect and appreciation for what we do for him .. a weekend of driving an hour both ways to a tournament and sitting there for hours to support and watch him seems to go UN-noticed... I go upstairs to cool off.. Apparently he stews on this all day as does his Dad. Cause Ian was frustrated he lashes out at his sister calling her names , the tension is evident.. His Dad, buzzed and only hearing half of the conversation storms downstairs to confront Ian .. Never a good thing as it's gotten physical in the past and I've had to jump between them to separate the escalated situation. They exchange words, Jason tells Ian to just leave and never come back.. So Ian says " Fine Fuck you I'm leaving good bye! " and walks out of the house.. I am sitting there thinking what the hell just happened ?? Holy shit?! I go upstairs and get my shoes and Jason says " I can't believe you are going to look for him.. Let him leave " I wanted to punch him .. I Told him that what he just witnessed was a prime example of how his shitty personality has worn off on his son.. They are truly 2 peas in a pod with ego's and attitudes.. he blows me off and I go searching for the boy. Of coarse I know where he is and find him pretty quickly... He's livid, hurt and lashes out at me telling me I should have stood up for him and that I can Fuck off and his dad can fuck off too... I knew he was not in a place to talk - nor was I cause I was going to swing if I stayed. I left , went home and waited up til he came home , during this time of waiting I knew it was best to let him go to bed and not say a word- we all needed to calm down. My Heart was broken already , what would waiting til the AM to speak to him change ? Nothing .. So lets wait. Morning , the husband could only justify his actions and tell me he could not believe I'd even bother looking for the kid.. That he knew damn well Ian would come home cause he had no where else to go. My disgust for Jason is now at a all time high and if it wasn't Thanksgiving week, I'd have booted him immediately.. I an fuming and decide to take Ian's phone from him as well as write him a letter about my view, his punishment and what I expect from him. He read the letter came to my room and asked to talk - He said he was angry and that he's sorry he said those things to me but his Dad got him to that point.. I expressed that his Dad was no where in the right to say things like he did .. BUT.. he needs to take responsibility for his own actions, it's not his Dad's fault he said shitty things to me, it's his own fault and he needs to learn to control himself. I said the punishment stands and if he kept trying to get me to over turn it , I'm speak to his coaches and bench him next tournament. I assured him both coaches would never find it acceptable for him to tell him to tell his Mom to fuck off and call his sister Derogatory names. I was pretty damn sure they would side with me and have a few words to say to Ian about respecting his Mother. In the end he cried , telling me he was so sorry and he wanted to take everything back.. I hugged him and told him no matter what, I love him .. I express to his Dad that he needs to speak to Ian to try and repair the damage that was created by suck shitty words between the 2 of them. I got the typical " When the time is right" which means he won't address is ... Ian and Jason spent the day in the living room watching TV and never talking today . I asked Jason why " I'm not ready yet" Who is the adult here ?!?!?! I'm hurting -- I wanna scream... I expressed that he will put a unrepairable whole into his relationship with his son and he will end up just like his Dad .. Alone drinking in a condo while his children live their life and not include him .. All I get is " Oh, you are over reacting that will never happen" Oh really , well you just wait and see then............. I sit here - my heart still hurting as I want to just fix this all and I can't .. I can't .... |
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